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Friday, April 1, 2005 11:17 p.m.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4396387.stm
This is the coolest thing!
Some guy named Matt who is in a wheelchair can move things with his mind! That is freaking awesome. He has a brainchip put into his head which is set up to a computer. The computer reads his mind and then does what he tells it to do. He can turn off and on the TV, change channels, change the volume just by thinking about it.
That is fucking cool right there. I would pay to have that chip put in my head. Think about the upmost in laziness. "Fuck, I don't want to get up and get the remote. Oh wait *think think think* Ah, yeah.. aw, there's nothing on!"
Angola is bleeding
A breakout of the Marburg virus in Angola is the worst recorded since the ebola-like virus of Congo in the 1990's. Already 126 people have died of the 132 that so far have the virus. The virus, if you have never seen the movie Outbreak, starts out with diarrhea, vomitting, a fever, then graduates to bleeding out every orafice in your body until you die a horrible and painful death. There is no cure, which makes that even more pleasant for all. The outbreak has reached the capital and you know what that means-quarantine. Dustin Hoffman may be looking at a sequel.
US Universities ban drinking
Several US Universities, starting with the University of Oklahoma, have banned alcohol completely from its campuses-even for students over age 21. This is to deter underage drinking and excess drinking binges that was brought to light when a 19 year old student died of alcohol poisoning.
Banning alcohol from college. Yeah, that is going to work. After all, it works so well in...high school. *smirk*
Thursday, March 31, 2005 11:57 p.m.
The Pope Suffers Heart Failure
The Pope had heart failure that was brought on by a fever he had which was brought on by urinary tract infection. He had heart failure because of a urinary tract infection! I point this out because the next time that I want to freaking pee while traveling-you pull your asses over. I don't want to hear any arguments about how he is 80-something and about ready to fall over anyway. Urinary infections are so gutwrenchingly horrible. Oh god! It burns! It burns! Despite that he is in grave condition, the Pope will not resign. That is a stubborn old man if I ever saw one. That is like my grandpa trying to reshingle a house. They both think nothing can get done without them.
Prince Albert Takes over Monaco
With Prince Rainier II as ill as the Pope, but a lot less stubborn, Prince Albert is now taking over the regency. You may know Prince Albert from being in a can or pierced onto penises everywhere. Okay, you say it is not the same one, but to me it is EVERY Prince Albert. Royalty recycles names, I swear.
Montana Supervolcano
It seems that Yellowstone National Park sits upon a very alive, very active volcano. However, not just any volcano, but a supervolcano. A supervolcano, when it erupts, is able to change the climate, cause mass extinction, create ice ages. This particular volcano has erupted every 640,000 years, and it is a bit overdue.
They (experts we don't know about) have been studying this volcano for years, especially since it noticed plateaus rising visibly in the park since 1996. In 2003 it was widely agreed that the supervolcano is much alive, and could cause an eruption that is so massive that it would make Mount St. Helen's look like a popped zit.
For one, it will spew ash so high into the Earth's Stratosphere that it will block out the sun for awhile. Lava will rain and basically wipe out Montana completely. It could shift the climate, making everywhere 21 degrees cooler-killing all plant life in North America. In other words, we are toast and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it.
So why is this just coming out now in a handful of papers? My guess is that no one wants anyone to worry. So don't worry. It probably won't happen in our lifetime. We will be dead already, so it is all good. However, if it does, I have my escape plan.
We are heading to the equator. Not very much ever seems to happen there. It is pretty stable as far as climates go. If it does shift 21 degrees? Well, I think I can handle it being 60 all the time instead of 80 all the time. What is in the news today
Tuesday, March 29, 2005 10:17 p.m.
Johnnie Cochran Died
Now how are celebrity murderers going to get their acquittals? Really, did anyone care about him before OJ? Actually, did anyone really care afterwards? Interesting piece of info, evidentally in 1978 when he was getting divorced, it came up that he had a secret second family. Yeah, good job. Are we the least bit surprised his mistress sued him too? Probably not.
Jackson Prays with Shiavo Family
Reverend Jackson, not Michael. Wouldn't that be funny, though. Michael refuses to pray with Shiavo family because he doesn't care cuz Terry isn't a boy. "Oh, Sorry, I thought it would help my image...name is Terry and all. Um...I'll be going."
Indonesia Quake
God noticed there were still some people alive and had to fix it. This is the follow-up visit. Indonesia cannot get a break.
And in Muscatine...
Lawmakers debate whether to push programs to help the needy or boost the state's economy
Hmmm....help the needy or boost economy....help the needy or boost economy. Damn, hard decision. What would the prez do?
Supervisors want to remove rotting trees from courthouse lawn
This tells you right now that supervisors do absolutely no work at all. Do not let a supervisor tell you how hard their job is. They have nothing better to do than to stand outside the courthouse and discuss, "That tree looks dead. Does it look dead to you? That is such and eyesore. This problem needs to be addressed immediately. Stop everything you are doing and call the paper. This tree is ugly and is pissing me off."
Kids enjoy last day of spring break
This is also obviously front page news in a bustling metropolis. The follow up story will be "Kids return to school, not as happy as week before." There will be a study on it then to figure out why.
Sunday, March 20, 2005 09:43 p.m.
Lack of money shuts down Australia's only frog hospital
I'm shocked! I'm shocked there was a frog hospital. Did you know there was a frog hospital in Australia? Well, soon their won't be because they cannot afford the splints fix frogs' legs. Now they should just turn it into a restaurant that fixes frogs' legs. Ohhh, but that's mean.
The Shiavo Case
Fucking let it go. She's braindead. Not a single doctor says she will ever come out of it ever. Her twitches and shit-natural muscle reflexes everyone in a coma will have. In fifteen years her muscles have to be completely deteriorated from being bedridden. Even if she were to ever get out of it on some far off magical Disney-like miracle, she would not know how to eat, speak. Like she even would remember who the hell you are. Old people with Alzheimer's don't know who the hell you are and they still have use of their brain.
Okay, granted it is hard to let someone go like that. But I asked around and not a single person that I spoke to wanted to be kept alive artificially in a vegetative state. The parents are selfish, in denial, and just plain fucking sad.
CIA agents 'do not use torture'
Oh, well that is a relief. Too bad for them that some detainee died, and they have to prove they don't. Although the CIA has officially stated that they are working to make sure that all interrogation conforms to US law, they are still planning on showing reruns of Family Matters to prisoners and suspects. More Headlines
Saturday, March 12, 2005 09:34 p.m.
Why fix it if ain't broke? Local trucking companies say a bill in Congress that would change truck drivers' workday isn't necessary
Because if it isn't broken then it has to be broken. You cannot have anything go right. I am not the least bit surprised that Wal Mart is one of the main lobbiers for this. They are always trying to make you work more. See what happens when you take away a driver's speed?
Council OKs grants to help with abuse cases
If we give them more money then we can have more effective abuse.
Snow, accidents go together
Really? No fucking way. Some genius decided to write an entire article about how there are more accidents in the snow here. Talk about hard up for news.
Man Kills 7, Self at Wis. Church Service
God isn't going to like that much.
U.N.: Assad Committed to Lebanon Pullout
Whoooooa...whoooaaa...Go no further. Of course you realize that pulling out is only 35% effective against terrorism.
http://www.muscatinejournal.com/articles/2005/03/06/news/doc4229fce4f2f0f419983278.txt
Yeah....for the record-I don't have health insurance at Wal Mart. And it isn't $38, it's $45. What's in the news now?
Friday, March 4, 2005 11:49 p.m.
Area farmers wary of proposed subsidy cuts
Oh, now you are wary? You voted for him, putzes.
Truckers dispute Hershey plan
They want to add more stoplights to the intersection of Hershey on the Bypass. Look, ppl, there are too many stoplights as it is. It used to be fast to go by way of Bypass and now you have to stop at every other street. No more lights, okay? Then, if that isn't enough they have "dummy signs" just before the light that says "If light is blinking prepare to stop" Thanks...great. If the idiots don't pay attention to the red light up ahead, what makes you think they will pay attention to your stupid sign?
What did you do on your summer vacation?
If you have nothing to do this summer, then go to Colorado and join in the Frozen Dead Guys Days festival! 15 years ago Bredo Morstoel was found dead and frozen in Nederland and since 2002 the small town is celebrating. With a chili cookout, coffin races and tours , the old man known as Grandpa gets to party even when he's dead! A caretaker keeps him nice and cold by changing his ice when need be and you can even tour his home! They made a study for this
Thursday, March 3, 2005 10:51 p.m.
Bad driving 'linked to hormones'
Evidentally, the reason that women cannot parallel park and cannot read maps is because they didn't get enough testosterone. Lack of it affects your spatial ability. You know how much testosterone you have by the length of your ring finger. The longer it is the more testosterone. And if women have a long wedding ring finger then she can parallel park better than other women. Hey, I am not making this up. The University of Giessen, Germany, spent money for this. Crazy Germans.
Hobbit was 'not a diseased human'
Oh, well, that is a relief. What is it then? Well, the little skull found in Indonesia is found to be another human species-a kind of dwarf. The bones are 18,000 years old, and really, that isn't very old at all. There were Lord of the Rings characters around and we didn't even know it! When they find an elf I am officially freaking out.
US comes to grips with 1500 dead
We are coming to grips with it because I am, for one, so fucking pissed off. I was against this war from the beginning. Now the stats say that two years ago 23% thought the Iraq war was a mistake. Now the number is 47%. Good to see that half of America is getting more intelligent.
And in Muscatine!
Bridge jumper survives: Unidentified male rescued from Mississippi's cold embrace
Evidentally, a 35 year old man with blood on his face decided to jump of the south end of the bridge and into the Mississippi. Gee, why would he do something like that? My guess is, like most ppl in this town, he was drunk and didn't have anything better to do. We know that is wasn't because he couldn't see the edge of the bridge *points down* They just fixed the lights.
Does this really warrant a headline?
Thursday, March 3, 2005 01:29 a.m.
DOT fixing the lights on the Norbert F. Beckey Bridge Tuesday
Really? They were out? I didn't notice they were out.
Number of people testing positive for the flu doubled over last year.
Really? With the flu vaccine shortage? No fucking way!
"WASHINGTON - With demonstrators shouting religious slogans outside, Supreme Court justices questioned, argued and fretted Wednesday over whether Ten Commandments displays on government property cross the line of separation between church and state."
This can be easily fixed. Just place right beside it plaques of all of the other religions' creeds and all is fair and just. We can all ignore them equally then.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards to divorce
I am so shocked. Shocked they made it past a year.
Microsoft Showcases Robots to Watch Kids
Do we really want C-3po watching Junior? He gets into enough messes by himself. R2D2 maybe...
Muscatine News
Monday, February 28, 2005 10:05 p.m.
Because I have been having a hard time thinking of things to type about, I have decided once again to revamp this page. However, I never find it tiresome to bitch about what is going on in the news, but to make it more personal and to teach you a bit about my part of the world, I will choose mostly to speak of the happenings in Muscatine and how stupid most of them are. I will begin with this entry and what is going on so far.
Crime Report
Luis Rodriguez so wanted the money back from his Ex that she took that he followed her all the way from Florida to Missouri to Iowa. He then shot her and her boyfriend on Hampshire Street (That's south end for anyone that doesn't know) and fled all the way up to Mulberry to the school where police from 3 counties had him trapped. They not only had him trapped, but some teachers and students inside. When finally caught Rodriguez said he shot her because she wouldn't talk to him. Well way to go, genius. I'm sure she will talk to you now! I am also sure you can kiss that money she owes you goodbye. Moral of this story-just let the money go.
Budget Blues
Hmmmm...let's see what the fine and established council of Muscatine is doing with this years budget? Not approving new fire engine, but yes to a new printer/fax/scanner. Not approving generator, but approving new digital video camera. Well, people, it looks like even though our firemen will be driving their staion wagons to the fire and using buckets to douse the flame they will have an awesome video of it and can fax the high quality pictures to everyone.
Sports
In West Liberty (near Muscatine, so it counts) A wrestler almost got into a fight at a match. He evidentally head-butted the kid. The kid, in return, pushed him directly after the match. I think they forgot this was real wrestling and not the WWE.
On another note, its State Women's Bowling! Are you as excited as I am pretending to be? Yeah, that is what I thought.
Entertainment
There is is none in this fair hamlet and so I will comment on the Jackson Trial. Yes, I am following it. I am following it because I want that freak put behind bars. Personally, what kind of person would allow their kid to spend the night with Michael anyway? "Mommy mommy, can I stay in Michael's bed with him? Pwwweeeaseeee?" Fuck the hell no.
And that's news to me.
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